Communicating Selfless Love

Why is communication such a struggle in some marriages? We have been married 32 years and still battle with being able to communicate in an effective way. Is the male and female brain so different from each other that speaking to each other becomes a guessing game of what the other person truly means? Do we really say what we mean or is there some other deep underlying meaning that we should be picking up on?

I whole heartedly say, “I don’t know”!  The controlling part of me wants to know for certain his thoughts, motives for choosing the words he does, why his tone of voice and even the body language he uses. THEN I ANALYZE….am I the only one? When you have been together as long as we have, you start to pick up on certain cues that let you know what the other one might be feeling. That is where it all goes south for me because I start to analyze what I think I know. That gets me into trouble every time. While I know a lot of things about him, I don’t know every intimate detail of his mind or heart…only God does.

We are both sensitive and passionate people and we tend to take everything to heart. We often let our emotions rule our responses. If you think about it, our words are a reflection of the emotional state of our heart. Feeling stressed-maybe your words are harsh. Feeling happy-maybe your words are uplifting. Feeling sorrowful-maybe your words are few. Feeling unheard-maybe your words are condescending. Feeling unloved-maybe your words are hurtful.

With marriage comes the baggage of each person’s past experiences, their upbringing, the dynamic of their parents’ marriage, traumatic events and other things that will shape their personalities.  Trying to navigate all that and remain true to your own feelings can feel overwhelming. So, what if I only concentrate on how I respond, on how I feel on how I demonstrate self-control and don’t try to analyze Joe? What if I conduct myself in a a way that is more Christ-like, accepting that I can only change myself, know my own thoughts and work toward being spiritually mature in the process. I am a sinner, my husband is a sinner, and we will never be perfect, separate, or together. But as our marriage grows, how much more fulfilling will it be as we both strive toward selfless love.  

My advice in all of this is that you and your spouse should talk about everything. Have the hard conversations. Talk about your hopes, dreams, expectations, and fears. Really try to understand each other in a way that you continue to grow closer together. God put you together for a reason.

Matthew 19:6 “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.”